This morning, the last day of 2020, geese seem to call sunrise forth with their chorus. Meanwhile, the full Cold Moon falls toward the mountains’ cradled peaks. Inside, the white lights and candle flame burn steady. It’s the close of a momentous year.

And of all the things one could write about on this particular day, I chose the topic of allowing, because I’ve been working with the polarity of allowing and agency this year. “Working with” means I have been seeking to balance the two poles rather than over-privileging one. (By definition, polarities include two positive or neutral ends; it’s all about the AND.)

2020 has taught us that a lot more allowing is required; the illusion that we have personal agency to control much has been challenged again and again. And yet…we also cannot sit back and just allow. There are times to exercise our agency; it’s necessary to set a course, make a choice, stand up for a cause, act decisively.

This polarity has offered me rich territory for exploration. Here’s one example.

A friend and I realized through conversation that we were both eager to engage in more long-term thinking. We recognized that we were often working in the realm of urgent, next, or soon…less often giving ourselves time to explore horizons further out.

So, we set up a weekly 2-hour block of time with this intention. We began our Zoom calls by checking in and naming what we wanted for this time, then went off on our own. We reconvened in the last few minutes to share what came up and next steps.

Originally, we named this slot on our calendars “long-term planning,” but what we quickly learned is that the time provided us with a spaciousness to wander in our minds, hearts, and bodies. The word “planning” didn’t feel right, and neither did “long-term.” We ended up renaming the slot “Allowing,” because that’s what was consistently happening.

Sometimes this looked like:

• daydreaming while stretching on the floor

• taking a walk

• giving focused attention to a task we were were excited and passionate about

• starting or finishing something “biggish” we hadn’t yet made the time for

One day, my friend used the time to go look at an RV for sale, since one of her insights was that she no longer needed or wanted to be tied to doing her work from one spot…and now she is off traveling the country in her killer van, because that’s what allowing led to. :)

As for me…I’ve generated oodles of questions related to the dream of shaping this land we live on to become a retreat space focused on healing and vitality. I’ve made stuff. And I’ve discovered new and surprising ways to follow my red thread: to bring forth vitality and meaningful contribution. In the next post, I’ll say more about the other pole—agency—and a few things I do know about what lies ahead.

But it seems fitting to end 2020 with a focus on allowing, because learning to be with exactly WHAT IS, learning to feel my way through, and tapping into the depth available in each moment…this has been the real practice of the year.

Wishing you a wide awake new year.

CENTER

At the first chink of sunrise,
the windows on one side of the house
are frosted with stark orange light,

and in every pale blue window
on the other side
a full moon hangs, a round, white blaze.

I look out one side, then the other,
moving from room to room
as if between countries or parts of my life.

Then I stop and stand in the middle,
extend both arms
like Leonardo's man, naked in a perfect circle.

And when I begin to turn slowly
I can feel the whole house turning with me,
rotating free of the earth.

The sun and moon in all the windows
move, too, with the tips of my fingers,
the solar system turning by degrees

with me, morning's egomaniac,
turning on the hallway carpet in my slippers,
taking the cold orange, blue, and white

for a quiet, unhurried spin,
all wheel and compass, axis and reel,
as wide awake as I will ever be.

- Billy Collins